At home with …Alice Ryan Miller & kids

“Trust your inner voice even when the chorus around you is singing a different song”. I reflect on this often and remind myself that my instincts are what led me to move from London to America, marry the man I did, strive ahead in my work and continue to find the best path for me and my family. So, when it comes to motherhood, you always know best. A mother’s instincts are always to be trusted.

“Elliott demonstrates a desire to keep up with her brother, Grey and I try not to discourage that. She is resourceful in trying to get to a place where she is able to do everything that he can do. Her favorite place to be is at his side. She is happiest when she is with him. She is super devoted. I remind them all that they are to always look out for each other. I truly believe that they have a deep understanding of how to take care of themselves.”

“My eldest son Grey is just like his father. Unbelievably generous and a really gentle spirit. He shows this in countless ways; his thoughtfulness towards Elliott and Barnes is endlessly endearing. Teaching my boys to never lose the willingness to show affection and respect for women, that’s one of the most important roles for me as their mama.”

“I marvel at women who have their five and ten year plans mapped out, and orchestrate getting pregnant to coincide with their calendar. I came off the pill and thought it might take a little time to regulate; I got pregnant that weekend. I was oblivious. It dawned on me 12 weeks later that I should have a check up. My first scan showed that it was a boy and I was elated.”

On Elliott: Bonpoint bathing suit bottom and stuffed animal

“I have ultimately found peace in saying that I am the mama that sometimes needs to put work first, not because I always want to, but because I need to and that doesn’t make me love my children any less. I have also owned up to the fact that I cannot be fielding work calls and emails when I am with my children. I reply to every message and remain very connected, but I am challenged to do both things well in tandem. So I don’t. It’s that simple. Every mother is different and at varying stages of the children’s lives. In the early days, I only ever attended events if it was one of my own, supper at home was always better than any restaurant and the notion of a vacation without my children with me was unthinkable. As they get a little more grown, I do accept the occasional party invite, I love to go out for dinner without the children in tow and the luxury of a few nights away with my husband is truly heaven! Once upon a time I wrote thank you notes; I plan to find my manners again.”

“As a mother, there are varying standards of achievement with carving out time for yourself. I rarely excel at it, but from time to time I will plan to take a class or go for reflexology. I don’t often grant myself the luxury of being unreachable; that’s a level of personal discipline that I should occasionally instill. I’m often grateful for the quiet time that comes with a beauty appointment or an early morning meeting when I leave before the household is awake. My husband would tell you that I’m remarkably good at finding time for myself; I remind him that he’s the only parent in this equation that always manages to eat food while it’s hot and drink coffee sitting down in a china cup.”

Bonpoint stuffed animals

“I think that in my upbringing, putting others before yourself was expected. As a mother, I am almost incapable of choosing what I want to eat or where I want to go because I have three people’s needs to consider. Sometimes I am infuriated with myself that I can’t distinguish between what I really want and what my children’s preference would be. I love to see the quotes that The Glow puts on Instagram. Open acknowledgement of how your children are often maddening. Finding humor in their oddities and braving on in those moments when you are longing for solitude and to be given your own sanctuary of space and quiet.

On Elliott: Bonpoint bathing suit bottom

“I dreamed of having a third child; my heart told me that I wanted to be the mother of three. If my third pregnancy had been twins (I have twin brothers) I would have been secretly thrilled. I think Kirk might have gone out to get a loaf of bread and a pint of milk and never come home! These photographs that were taken in Southold were in my very early days of pregnancy with Barnes. There were no vast differences with my third pregnancy other than I didn’t do SoulCycle throughout (which I did until the day before I delivered Elliott) and my energy levels and body were really depleted. I didn’t manage to breastfeed as long as I did with my other two; I simply couldn’t juggle it all and maintain an aura of happiness.”

“I wish I was better at being able to cook with ease and to find great pleasure in preparing food that my children will love and that will be nourishing to them. My mother was not a cook, I am inept in the kitchen and am overwhelmed with the prep and the timing. I marvel at my best friend in London, a working mother of four, who can create the most beautiful dinner when the cupboards and refrigerator are seemingly bare; half a dozen people could show up unannounced and she wouldn’t be remotely phased.”

“The third child in a family brings a really amplified level of commotion. There is always noise and movement, there are very isolated moments of contemplative calm, but the feeling of a bustling home with children and activity is wonderful.”

“I sometimes long for the days when I would sit and play and play and play with Grey, without any distraction and he was my sole focus. Barnes sleeps nearly twelve hours a night, which left to my own devices I would too, but when he’s awake he is really demanding. He cried a lot for his first year, and that was rough. He brought me to my knees a few times, because he eclipsed every other child’s needs and that was challenging for me. As he begins to talk and has his independence walking he has become much more manageable. He is a true California baby, loves the beach, loves to be on the sand and in the water, he eats oranges from the trees in the garden. There is so much more ease to living in a warmer climate with young children and so with that comes incredible freedom for all of us.”

“I do all I humanly can to be the best I can be for everyone in the family. I’ve never articulated it, but I think at this stage in time, my role as a parent often eclipses my role as a wife. We all have interesting boundaries as parents; I am not the co sleeper type and have never wanted a baby or child in my bed during the night unless they were unwell. Establishing areas of support for each other are what we are good at as a couple. I know when he needs my energy around his work; those moments surpass anything spoiling and romantic I could do for him. We are both at stages in our career when we are reliant on each other’s encouragement. Perhaps that will never subside, but it’s very much in play at the moment.”

“Hand on my heart, I didn’t read a single book or attend a class. I was highly selective about who I talked with about giving birth and what to expect. I didn’t want to have any preconceived notions of how it should play out; I knew that my experience would be my own.”

“Elliott loves imaginary play with her dollhouse and her Maileg bunnies. She has very little desire to look at anything on a screen, which fills me with great pride and immense joy.”

On Alice: Hatch jumpsuit

“I have keratin treatments which help with the styling time. On days when my hair needs to look the part, I will get a blow dry; on an average day I am just proud of it being freshly washed. I use Louise Galvin Sacred Locks for my hair: she created the line before she was a mother and uses it now on all three of her children. Chanel reigns supreme on my skincare list: I use the 50 SPF complete protection UV lotion as I am in the sun everyday and the Sublimage range for skincare. Les Beiges for a light base, and Chantecaille cream blush and and an embarrassing abundance of lip glosses.”

“Finding the continuous energy to be able to meet the physical and emotional needs of three children. Disciplining myself not to preempt what I think my most demanding child is wanting, and therefore feeling frustrated before the moment is even upon me. Ultimately being resourceful so that they aren’t granted precisely what they want when they want it. Teaching them at each stage of development that patience is paramount. It’s a journey for me just as much as it is for them.”

“The knowledge that I have brought three lives into this world and they will have inherited the best attributes from the people that have been around them through childhood and will take those characteristics into their own life journey. The sweetness that comes to me as their mother exceeds all of my expectations.”

“I grew up in a house surrounded by lovingly worn fabrics and well used furniture, polished heirloom silver, freshly press linen, garden flowers and log fires. In the early years, I emulated as much as I could of my own childhood home. We had that at home on the North Fork. I am trying to create our family home in California in a mid century modern house which is still pretty much empty, but for this moment in time it’s perfect. It’s a life lesson to have the very minimum and embrace it as being more than you really need.”

“Occasionally I wonder if we all have the propensity to forget the really humbling, physically debilitating moments of early motherhood. I know that when Grey was born, my recovery was pretty tough; there was an unfathomable amount of stitches and in the first three weeks, the ‘brassiere dept’ and the ‘knickers dept’ were both beyond miserable. I do remember thinking that I was so grateful to have a husband who really took incredible care of me and also a baby nurse for the first chapter. My sweet husband would lay out my nightdress on the bed and put snacks by the bed for the night feeds. For my first few months I was really spent. After I delivered Elliott, my recovery wasn’t progressing and I ultimately had several procedures for cancer. All of this took place within the first four months of delivering her. I had help at home and I stayed in the country, and the boys would come out on the weekends. It forced a longer recovery, and I took it a day at a time, but it was overwhelming. It was a chapter that ended happily, with me in remission and of course as a mother you count your blessings that it turned out that way. The outcome of your health is more critical once you become a parent. No other way to say it.”

Sweet Elliott Grace